The Pink Flamingo's 59th Edition Thursday Thirteen
13 Guests Invited to My Disastrous Dinner Party
&
Why It Was Such a Disaster
The Patriot Dinner Party Gone Bad
13 Guests Invited to My Disastrous Dinner Party
&
Why It Was Such a Disaster
The Patriot Dinner Party Gone Bad
(NOTE: This is an attempt at humor and satire. If I have offended anyone, then I've done my job. I have simply taken historic personages, had a little fun, used personality traits, and thumbed my nose at everyone!)
1. George Washington presented a problem. Thrilled with the advances in dentistry, he blew off my dinner invitation and spent the day with a good dentist, trading those pesky hippopotamus ivories for implants. Thrilled, he went looking for a good steak, which wasn’t going to be cooked by me.
2. Samuel Adams never arrived at the dinner. He immediately joined Ron Paul’s campaign as one of his top advisers. The two of them were arrested after hacking into the IRS mainframe and deleting all the nation’s tax records. When arraigned Adams pled innocent because he had no idea what a computer was, where he was, and what had happened to him. He was immediately released on his own recognizance. He stopped off at the nearest bar, where he was furious to learn his name and likeness were being used to peddle beer – and he wasn’t getting a piece of the action. He filed a lawsuit against the Samuel Adams Brewing Company and is waiting for a resolution. He is currently working in a small, independent, downstairs bar in Boston and attends AA meetings on a daily basis. FYI – Ron Paul was last seen as his supporters broke him out of jail. It is suspected that he is living somewhere on the Montana-Canadian border plotting the over-throw of the North American Alliance.
3. Thomas Jefferson and
4. Abraham Lincoln immediately began arguing. They were so vocal and so annoying, their spiel was immediately picked up by MSNBC in an attempt to prop up ratings. Promoted as the Patriotic Hannity & Combs, the two men were constantly at one another’s throat. Jefferson, an advocate of limited government, individual rights, and limited taxes could never agree with Lincoln who was an advocate of higher taxes, big government, and a draconian version of Homeland Security.
Their series was a ratings bonanza for MSNBC until the Patriot Odd Couple interviewed Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The moment Senator Obama made Senator Clinton cry, Jefferson, always attracted to married women, began a torrid affair with Senator Clinton. The series ended. Jefferson was picked up by FOX and given a reality show dealing with politicians and their wives. Furious that the real Jefferson was getting all the action, William Jefferson Clinton demanded Thomas Jefferson leave the married women alone, especially his wife. Fox canceled the series. Jefferson sued and received a high 8 figure settlement. Refusing to pay taxes, he transferred his funds to off-shore accounts and ran off to Rio with Senator Clinton, who’s husband quickly followed. The three are now living in a mansion along the beach with a don’t ask don’t tell rule strictly in place.
Lincoln, depressed over his failure as a talk show host went into therapy, and was immediately put on Prozac, Valium, and the occasional Zanex with a double martini chaser. After extensive plastic surgery he changed his name and joined the World Wrestling Federation. He is currently on tour as the Union Avenger.
5. I should never have put Thomas Jefferson and John Adams in the same room. Furious that Jefferson was invited before he was, Adams stormed out of the dining room.
6. Abigail, his charming wife, immediately followed him. The two had a loud argument over his bad behavior. They then kissed and made up. The last I saw of them, they were heading to Vegas for to be renew their marriage vows officiated by an Elvis impersonator. They had booked the Presidential Suite at the Wynn, where, according to gossip, they remained for several weeks, enjoying what they later described as a third honeymoon. They are being considered as replacements for Regis and Kelly, having done several successful engagements as guest hosts.
7. Martha Washington, ever the perfect lady, was humiliated that her husband did not show up for dinner. Dismayed with modern manners she authored a best-selling cook-book and book of manners. General Washington was having a difficult time adapting to the modern world. The couple took her book advance and purchased a small West Texas ranch of 10,000 acres of nothing but dust. Their finances at a low ebb, the General was forced to do his own digging for a well to water their small herd of beef cattle.
Like Jed Clampett years earlier, he struck oil, hitting the largest shallow pool of oil anywhere. The price of crude immediately dropped from $99 a barrel to $35 a barrel, thus returning George Washington to his traditional position as ‘First in the Hearts of His Countrymen’.
The drop in oil prices basically broke the back of OPEC and caused the governments of Iran and Venezuela to fall. Washington accepted a call to move to Iran and help them build their democracy. Hugo Chavez was last seen trying to sneak across the US Border near Douglas, Arizona.
8. Sam Houston was so furious when he caught the news about the Border Fence taking out portions of the Rio Grande in places that he nearly had a stroke. After consuming some of my best Scotch he contacted Santa Anna. Am I do blame for the results?
The two men have barricaded themselves into the Alamo taking Chris Simcox, Jim Gilchrist, Tom Tancredo, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and Rush Limbaugh hostage. The last report has Santa Anna torturing the hostages by forcing them to learn to speak Spanish or relinquish their daily appearances on radio and television. They are also being fed a steady diet of beans and rice with their only meat being those tiny worms in the bottom of the tequila bottles.
I do not anticipate an optimistic outcome.
9. Benjamin Franklin is problematic at best. I seriously wondered what would happen when the brilliant Renaissance Man came met the Space Age. I had delusions of grandeur there, with fantasies of discourse between Franklin and Stephen Hawking. Forget it. On the way to dinner, Franklin found a copy of Playboy in the back of his limo. He had the driver take him to the nearest casino where he began his historic winning streak. The result saw Franklin in a leveraged take-over of the Playboy Empire and the evection of Hugh Heffner from the infamous Playboy Mansion. Undaunted, Heffner had a life-changing moment and exchanged his silk pajamas for the black cassock of the humble parish priest, thus beginning a historic and meteoric rise within the ranks of the Church. There is talk that he could be the next Bishop of Rome and all that it entails.
10, I found Eleanor Roosevelt to be surprisingly charming. I don’t think anyone was surprised when she decided the LPGA was the life for her. She’s doing quite well, I hear.
11. My initial hesitation about inviting Thomas Paine to my dinner party was well founded. I found him to be a self-righteous bore who was so filled vitriol against the Washingtons that the entire time he was there, he made Mrs. Washington very uncomfortable. He finally left and made his way to Hollywood where he began writing a soap opera for HBO which was loosely based on his life story. An Oscar winning screenplay and production honors crowned his revisionist expose of Washington at Valley Forge. General Washington refused to take Franklin’s advice and sue the you know what off the man, choosing to ignore the insults. Instead he penned his own version of that historic year at Valley Forge. Franklin’s opulently lush production was a cinematic triumph both critically, financially, and swept all the awards. Fiercely bitter, Paine moved to France where he is alleged to be writing an expose of the French Revolution.
12. I don’t know if one would consider Daniel Boone a patriot, but there is familial sentiment involved. He was rather charming and reminded me of my cousin Boonie, who is a direct descendant. The two men immediately bonded and are now traveling throughout the country on a pair of matching Harleys.
13. My greatest regret was the invitation I sent to Ronald Reagan. I made the mistake of allowing him to come, unescorted, via limo to my affair. Unfortunately during that time he caught one of Rush Limbaugh’s rants about The Great Ronald Reagan and conservatives. Furious, he immediately denounced the current crop of conservatives, going so far as to have cease and desist orders served on about fifty of the leading radio, television, and print pundits. He then vowed never to venture near politics again as he accepted a position as the play by play anchor for the Chicago Cubs. Cub fans, being rather superstitious, attributed their World Series victory to the presence of Reagan. When the state of Illinois removed the “Land of Lincoln” from the license plates and replaced it with “Land of Reagan” Lincoln immediately threatened a lawsuit. Reagan simply ignored the threats as he put the final touches on a manuscript about the life of John Wayne.
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